Gender? I Hardly Know Her!

HELLO! I got very excited to write a blog post this evening, despite the constant rain lately (and my pretty long work day). I was browsing my blog and realized that I haven’t precisely addressed any gender updates recently. At least for me, these updates are really helpful for me to pinpoint what the heck’s going on in my brain. To preface this post, I will be discussing weight, food, and gender dysphoria, and may touch on some internalized homophobia. Let’s get to it!

While quarantine has sent many into a spiral of gender confusion, I feel like it’s one of the first times I’ve experienced true gender clarification. I literally got to exist in a societal vacuum for a year, and it did wonders for my body image– AND it gave me a lot of time to think about how my body interacts with my intersecting identities. I got to experiment with clothing, doing solo photoshoots in more (and less) clothing, playing with gender presentation and, even once, giving myself a pretty cute ‘stache. Dressing for work felt less and less like a performance, and I got to rediscover my relationship with makeup and with my hair (which I’ve been growing and LOVING). I have started adding more structure to my diet and portions in an attempt to lose some of the weight that previously brought me gender euphoria but now no longer does. All in all, I have been able to foster my relationship with femininity in a way that is still queer simply because I am the one doing it. My queerness no longer feels like a shield that I wear on the outside, but has now melded with my body and brain. I finally am getting it through my thick skull that everything I do is queer because I’m the one doing it, and that I (and those around me) need to deal with that. While my innate queerness brings a sigh of relief when I want to wear a dress but not be she/her’ed exclusively, it also brings tension and forces me to look my internalized homophobia straight in the face– that voice that tells me that I could be “more” queer if I dressed differently or dated a queer person, or if I spoke a bit louder about my pronouns. And, although my lovely stud of a partner is going nowhere, I may change how I dress or change my pronouns in the future. But for now, here’s what hasn’t changed: (1) I most certainly do still identify as trans, and prefer for those close to me to recognize and honor that by switching in some pronouns besides she/her (they/them is fabulous, he/him really depends on the moment and I’ll definitely get back to you when I figure that out more fully!), (2) I guess I would formally use terms like genderfluid or nonbinary to describe my gender– there’s definitely gender there, but it’s like a tie-dye situation, and (3) everything that comprises my identity (including my relationship and my presentation) are inherently queer and that doesn’t vary by the day– it’s a very stable constant regardless of how I appear or what my dynamic with my partner looks like.

I will definitely write more soon! Other life updates include: I’m definitely going to try to apply for PhDs this December (EEP!), an article I’ve written is in review, I got vaccinated, and I’m finally seeing my partner again soon once me and my family’s immunity is at a safe level. YAYAY!