Brain Dump

Hey, friends! I just wanted to do a little brain dump to get everything off of my chest and clear my brain before this weekend really gets started and I do a ton of work. Things have been great! Although my job can definitely be trying at times (mostly the planning and extra hours/responsibilities), I absolutely adore it. Especially this week, I’ve gotten a TON of positive feedback from my bosses and my students. I got to have some serious chats with some of my students this week, and it was so nice to genuinely talk and be a 3D person with them (someone that has a life outside of just work). It’s only December, and I’m extremely close to my students. They’re an incredible bunch, and it means a lot to me to be the one helping them succeed. My seniors are receiving thousands upon thousands of dollars in scholarships, and it feels great to be the person that helped them get there (and have the confidence to apply in the first place!). I’m so happy that I finally just let myself make a rash decision or two to study English and accept this job and really get comfy with myself.

It might sound crazy, but my job has really helped with that. Feeling better about myself. I was talking to my partner today and I was telling him that I finally feel like I’m not acting anymore. One of my former teachers (and now coworker) still uses an outline I made for presentations and my students, who finally realized that I’m the person that made it, came to me telling me how I’ve helped them even before I met them. And one of them gave me a copy. I finally had time to read it, and I came to a really affirming conclusion.

I often consider myself as very different from my elementary and high school selves. In elementary school, I wanted to badly to fit in, and it didn’t work. I couldn’t speak Spanish, so I couldn’t be in any of those cliques. I wasn’t a pretty popular girl and, once puberty came, the boys didn’t want to hang with me anymore. In high school, I was determined to come out on top. I was always over-the-top perky and positive. By the end of college, I finally started to come into my own and I’m continuing to do that now. I realized that the perkiness was all a way to distract myself and bury my self-exploration of being queer, which makes up a huge part of my identity now. But the fascinating thing is that, despite the masks I’ve been wearing for years, that writing from my junior year of high school is still ME. The voice behind that writing (something I was convinced I was unable of even having until the end of college) is the same I have now. I was there, crawling to the surface, struggling for breath after staying under layers for such long periods of time. I have the same focus on using everyday language to explain complicated ideas, on inserting humor and wit into my writing. Five-and-a-half years of writing education and my little baby voice is still here, but more self-aware. It was just really satisfying for me to see that. At first, I was happy when I felt no connection to my past. Then, I saw all the early signs that led to my present and looked back with pride. But now, I see an evolution, none of which is bad, but all of which is growth and development and a light that has been brightening so much so that now it can spread to others.

I’ll write more soon because I’ll be off for a good few days. I just wanted to get that out of my system. For homework, look back a little and smile. It’s worth it.